“I Didn’t Think You’d See That…”

On finstas, family, and the courage to start a hard conversation.

A woman, looks at her phone with concerned, possibly reacting to a surprising photo.

I wasn’t looking for anything. Just tapping through stories while waiting for the kettle to boil. You know, the usual: some memes, a slow-motion dog video, a reel I didn’t ask for but now can’t stop watching.

And then… there she was.

One of my foster sisters, barely dressed, pouty-faced, in a photo that felt way too revealing to be so casually posted. Except it wasn’t casual. It was hidden. A “finsta”: fake Insta, private account, only for close friends (and, apparently, one algorithmic slip-up that let me in).

Unfortunately for her, that same algorithm also served it up to my older sister, who took exactly 0.3 seconds to screenshot it, fire it into the family WhatsApp, and type, “EXCUSE ME?!?!” in all caps. Then the other sister chimed in with her own all-caps commentary, and I just sat there watching the group chat combust while finishing my tea. The foster sister? She muted the chat. Extremely helpful.

So I waited. Not because I didn’t care, but because I did. And because when it comes to conversations like these, rushing in hot rarely helps.

Later, over toast, I found my opening.

I didn’t shame her. I didn’t lecture. I just said: “Hey, I saw a post of yours that surprised me. You okay with everyone seeing you like that?”

She froze. Her whole body tensed.

“I didn’t think you’d see that,” she said.

And there it was—the fear, the embarrassment, the quiet edge of regret. But also, under that, a tiny space. A space where something real could grow if I didn’t fill it with judgement.

We talked. About control. About attention. About how easy it is to mistake ‘likes’ for love. And how online choices are still real choices. I told her I wasn’t angry. Just… aware. And that I wanted her to be safe, not small.

And that was enough. For now.

TRY THIS

Here are a few things that helped me start and not shut down the conversation:

• Lead with curiosity, not control. Try “Can I ask what made you want to post that?” instead of “What were you thinking?”

• Acknowledge the intention. Often, posts like these come from a place of wanting to be seen. Start there.

• Focus on identity, not image. Talk about values, self-respect, digital trace, not just the photo itself.

You don’t have to solve everything in one conversation. You just have to be the kind of person they can come to. And sometimes, the best digital safety net is still a human one.

If this kind of reflection resonates with you, you must remember, It’s not about fear — It’s about framing and we need to help our young people reflect on who they’re becoming, not just what they’re posting.